Princes and Princesses, happily ever after, fairy tales, and cartoon couples show us from a young age that love is easy, compatible, and everywhere. We build it up as the dream to aspire to or attain at all costs because from the outside we were shown. It’s easy. For some love is corrupted to a transaction, I will love you if you do this for me. The fairy tale becomes a nightmare.
This transactional love often leads to manipulation, where affection is conditional and used as a means to an end. This conditional love can leave deep emotional scars, fostering trauma that makes genuine connection seem elusive. It distorts our perception of what love truly is, clouding our ability to see its pure and unconditional form.
We are predispositioned to love. We are born with the connection to our Divinity. It is through our childhood, teenage years, and early adulthood that we lose our connection to self. We are looking outside of ourself to receive love from those who we expect to love us: parents, care givers, friends, romantic partners, etc. We will do anything to be connected to another because being alone is terrifying, so bad becomes better than alone.
Through learned behavior we can receive love if we do what another person wants, fit into the mold or expectation that they have of what relationship is. Love becomes the weapon they use to get conformity to their ideals, their belief system, for them to have their version of what a safe and stable environment looks like. This often comes in some form of abuse: verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, psychic, and etheric.
Healing from such experiences requires a profound journey inward. It involves learning to love oneself, recognizing that true love cannot be bought or bargained for. This journey often leads to a deeper spiritual awakening, where one connects with the divinity within. In the embrace of self-love and faith, we find solace and strength, discovering that love is not an external pursuit but an internal state of being.
The process of healing from transactional love and manipulation is akin to the concept of
shadow work. Shadow work involves diving deep into your wounds to transform trauma, releasing the pain of the past, and forgiving yourself for the role you played in the relationship. It requires confronting the darkest parts of yourself, the scars left by conditional love, and the behaviors you've adopted in response to your experiences.
Consider the analogy of a frog jumping into a pan of water. At first, the water is lukewarm and comfortable, and the frog remains content. Gradually, the heat is turned up, but the frog becomes accustomed to the rising temperature, not realizing the danger. By the time the water is boiling, it is too late for the frog to escape, and it succumbs to the heat. This analogy mirrors the experience of staying in an abusive or manipulative relationship, where the gradual escalation of harm becomes normalized, and the victim may not fully comprehend the severity of their situation until it is too late.
Shadow work is the act of recognizing when you are in that pan of water and making the conscious decision to leap out before the heat overwhelms you. This requires courage and self-awareness, understanding that the comfort you seek from others may be leading you down a path of self-destruction. It involves breaking free from the chains of conditional love and abuse and reclaiming your power by nurturing unconditional love within yourself.
Through shadow work, we learn to identify and heal the wounds that have shaped our behaviors and perceptions. We confront the parts of ourselves that have been hurt, manipulated, and coerced. By forgiving ourselves for the role we played in these relationships, we release the hold these experiences have over us. This journey of healing leads us to a profound transformation, where we emerge stronger, more resilient, and deeply connected with our inner divinity.
In embracing self-love and faith, we find that genuine love is not something to be sought externally. Instead, it blooms from within, radiating outwards and attracting healthy, unconditional connections. The journey inward, though challenging, is one of the most rewarding paths we can take, leading us to a state of being where love is pure, untainted, and ever-present.
Healing from trauma is a deeply personal journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and perseverance. Here are five effective ways to facilitate self-healing from trauma:
1. Practice Mindfulness and Meditation
Mindfulness and meditation are powerful tools for self-healing. They help ground you in the present moment, allowing you to observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Regular practice can reduce stress, enhance emotional regulation, and provide a sense of inner peace. Techniques such as deep breathing, body scans, and guided meditations can be particularly beneficial.
2. Engage in Physical Activity
Physical activity is a natural way to release built-up tension and stress in the body. Exercise releases endorphins, which are chemicals that promote feelings of well-being. Activities such as yoga, tai chi, and dancing not only improve physical health but also help in reconnecting with your body, fostering a sense of empowerment and self-respect.
3. Seek Support and Build Connections
Trauma can make you feel isolated, but seeking support and building connections can be incredibly healing. Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can provide the outlet needed to express your feelings and experiences. Support groups, whether in-person or online, can offer a sense of community and understanding, reminding you that you are not alone in your journey.
4. Engage in Creative Expression
Creative expression allows you to process and convey your emotions in a non-verbal manner. Activities such as painting, writing, music, and crafting can serve as therapeutic outlets, helping you to explore your feelings and experiences in a safe and constructive way. Allowing yourself to create freely can lead to profound insights and emotional release.
5. Practice Self-Compassion and Forgiveness
Self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during challenging times. It’s essential to forgive yourself for any perceived shortcomings or mistakes, recognizing that healing is a gradual process. Positive affirmations, journaling, and self-care routines can reinforce self-compassion, helping to rebuild a loving and accepting relationship with yourself.
In conclusion, self-healing from trauma is a multifaceted process that involves nurturing your mind, body, and spirit. By incorporating mindfulness, physical activity, support systems, creative expression, and self-compassion into your daily life, you can foster resilience and move towards a state of profound healing and inner peace.
Melissa L Watkins is the founder of melissaLwatkins.com website that features her blog and services. She is a Master Instructor-Teacher with Integrated Energy Therapy®, Certified Reiki Level 2, Certified Compassion Key Level 1 and Certified Angelic Color Healing Level 1. Her passions are teaching her Evidential Medium Course and Integrated Energy Therapy® certifications: Basic, Intermediate, and Advanced levels. Join her blog at www.melissaLwatkins.com/blog
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