I learned to be quiet. I learned to stand in the back. I learned that I had no power. I learned to not shine. I learned to do the expected. I learned to take care of whatever needed taking care of. I learned to ask for nothing. I learned to give even in my own need. I learned to be what others wanted me to be. I learned to not want. I learned to protect myself. I learned to look the part. I learned to mask my feelings. I learned to say the right thing in whatever the situation called for. I learned to be the “good” girl.
I was inspired to write this last night. I opened my browser and started the Word document three hours ago. Writing about myself, my journey, my process will help others who are struggling. I get that. That is why I am being nudged to write this article. Being vulnerable is where I have struggled my whole life. Many people have come and gone in my life because I could not let them in emotionally, and I only gave emotionally what I felt was safe to give, keeping myself in this state of semi-isolation almost like suspended animation in relationships…there but not truly a part of the relationship...an observer in my own experience. A very lonely place to be.
How did this begin? This is the hard part. Not allowing myself to give and receive from an authentic place. It started early from a place of disconnect that my inner world and my outer world did not match. This disconnect started very early in my childhood. I was taught that the person that you were supposed to be able to rely on for survival was not available to you and in fact was jealous of your perfection as a baby, your connection to the people around you as a baby, and your ability to garner praise, accolades, and love from those around you without doing a thing except be yourself, an innocent child.
Forgiveness is letting go of the idea that things could be other than they were. I have to embrace that as to not be bitter about all that I lost, did not receive, and had to overcome because of this abuse and neglect. I am not here to demonize anyone; however, this is the trauma that informed my until now.
My caregiver did the job of keeping me alive. Putting me with people who also took care of my physical well-being, dressing me up, showing me off. On the outside I looked well cared for. I looked loved. I was with my extended family when I was not at home. However, when I was at home I was not attended to; and in fact, was neglected: emotionally and physically. Only getting the bare minimum physically and getting nothing emotionally. No attention and no affection made me feel bad, wrong, and unlovable.
When you feel forgotten, unlovable, and bad all of your childhood, it is impossible to form lasting, authentic, committed relationships with others. You are constantly using the trauma responses learned as a child to relate to everyone around you, leaving you feeling isolated in any and all relationships. Having a healthy, sustainable relationship is not possible. Being in abusive and demoralizing relationships feels more comfortable because that is where you come from. Your normal.
It was through the loss of relationship and becoming a mother that I wanted to learn to love in a way that I thought was possible as I was seeing evidence around me that it was possible. I started with talk therapy or counseling and that helped me tremendously, especially around other abuse that was carried out during the neglect of my childhood. But there was still something there blocking me from a healthy, committed relationship. I started with Reiki and that helped me open my energy centers and unblock my spiritual energy that had been bound in my trauma, allowing me connection to my higher self.
Several years later I would find Integrated Energy Therapy® and that would change my life yet again. I was able to transform a lot of the trauma, resentment, and anger into positive aspects to be used in my life. Trust, innocence, spiritual pride, forgiveness, and safety were feelings and emotions I was becoming familiar with, and they were allowing me to share myself with people, friends, and colleagues. These new feelings were manifesting new opportunities bringing me into alignment with my purpose.
However, I still felt like there was a piece of the puzzle missing in regard to my healing. I was still not having love in my life in the way that I wanted to experience it. I was still feeling isolated on some level. Not able to fully embrace giving fully of myself with others: children, family, friends, and colleagues.
I could still feel a blockage on a deep level. Working through another energy healing modality: The Compassion Key®, by Edward Mannix, I have been able to give compassion to my “little one.” This has allowed me to understand that she did not do anything wrong. By giving her compassion, she released the trauma of the outward appearance of perfectionism. By giving her compassion, she can feel perfection in who she was born to be in this lifetime having this experience: messy, complicated, smart, sassy, and emotional.
What I have learned throughout all of this is that life is a journey, there is no destination. But as I have moved through taking steps that I was guided to take; I am becoming more authentically me. Living my purpose and positively interacting with those that have come into this journey with me. We keep taking the nudges and guidance/inspiration that our higher self brings us, and we keep ascending into the higher vibrational frequencies to draw to us what we want to have in this lifetime: love, stability, financial freedom, and whatever our hearts desire.
· Energy Healing
· Acting on your Intuition
Where will this lead? I do not know yet. Stay tuned!