How I Created Guidance 311: Surviving Alcoholism and Narcissism

“The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers,” by Deepak Chopra, was a lesson I would learn at my parents’ hand. The bar where I had to go to visit my biological father was a small manufactured rebuilt building set on a corner with no parking, landscaping, or anything to make it inviting. My mother met him there with her mother.

My mother got pregnant on purpose and in 1969 that was the only way she was leaving her emotionally cold Irish-Catholic home, pregnant and married. She would always manipulate to get what she wanted above all else, least of all me: overt narcissism. Their reception was only five months before I was born and a mere 18 months before the divorce.

So, I was born to these two people who wanted anything in life but me. My mother was the daughter of an alcoholic mother. And just after getting married my father, covert narcissist,  suffered a life-altering injury to his right hand and would never work again. It also prevented him from finishing a degree in engineering that he had started. The drinking had set in, and he would never pull himself out of it.

He died diabetic, alcoholic, alone, and still holding on to my mother’s memory. My mother would marry my step-father and they would create a family of six. My step-father would be the only emotional support I would receive for most of my childhood. And that would be stunted as he didn’t know how to relate to me as I was a quiet child: the empath.

I learned early on to do for myself. I did not ask for help in any way with anything. I made sure everyone around me had what they needed. I made sure every detail was taken care of. My step-father worked out of town during the week, and my mother was home with us. Being the oldest of five in the home after my mother remarried, I became the pseudo parent.

It would be almost to my thirties that I would have my first long-term relationship.  I met him when I was 28 years old, and we became pregnant almost immediately. I had been sexually abused at about three years old, during the time my mother was single and not being diligent about my care. So, I had taken longer to become sexually active because not only was I afraid of emotional connection, but I was also afraid of physical connection.

I experienced emotional, physical, and verbal abuse in that relationship as he was also an alcoholic and overt narcissist. This brought me back to going into “fix it” mode and making life pleasant for him and my daughter. In the survival mode I found myself in, I did not give the love to my daughter that she deserved emotionally. I thought I was, but in my unconsciousness state of fight or flight she did not experience the unconditional love she deserved.

Ten years later, thinking I was “healed” I fell into another abusive situation with an alcoholic and covert narcissist. I repeated the pattern. And I was determined to make it work. Four months later, he kicked me out. As hard as that was, it was a God-send.

My whole goal was to take care of absolutely everyone around me, so that I would not have to deal with my pain, anger, resentment, abuse, unworthiness, abandonment, and trauma. I was such a ball of fear. I was lonely, isolated, depressed, and suicidal.

Something had to give. I wanted more. I wanted to be able to give and receive love. It took me a long time to recognize that I could not receive love and that I gave it conditionally. You had my love if you lived up to my expectations. And this really impacted my relationship with my daughter, I desperately wanted to mend it.

I went to counseling to deal with the sexual abuse, and went to the library to figure out the rest. It ultimately led me back to my faith, not religion because I had been raised devoutly Roman Catholic. I had separated from religion, disagreeing with strict edicts that I did not agree with. Also, I had been receiving “messages” from my guides my whole life.

When I was thirteen, I had a particularly awful fight with my mother, one of the few times I tried to stand up for myself. I went to my room cried, felt sorry for myself, and was furious with my biological father for not saving me. And I “heard” that I needed to forgive him for myself not for him, but I needed the relief from the pain. Whoa! I remember thinking, “how did I know that?”

But as I look back over my early years, there where “messages” along the way, only subtler. And through my training as a medium and energy healer, I would learn that spirit is subtle and persistent. Sharing my gifts once I stepped into them was never a decision, Spirit has been driving my journey ever since. The first guide to show up was Jesus in a meditation. They haven’t stopped coming in since.

In the library I found Eckhart Tolle and Dr. Wayne Dyer and I haven’t stopped learning since. I have been continuing my education to bring spiritual tenants to my practice. Also, deep diving into narcissism: overt and covert, understanding the difference between and how to heal from these broken people. I keep reaching out to spirit to allow the downloads of Divine guidance to inform my life and practice.

This business started with mediumship readings, oracle and tarot card readings, and has expanded to include classes, energy healing and Spiritual Coaching to help everyone who is ready to step into their shadow work, awakening, and raising their vibrational frequency to ascend into their authentic self: remembering who they are at the Soul level.

I am still a work in progress, and I have repaired my relationship with my daughter. I work to be vulnerable with those I work with. And I work on realizing my own Divinity within and shining that light for others. Spirit is the real technician in all my work. I am only the channel. The healing and guidance come through me for your highest and greatest good from your innate, Spirit Guides, Ascended Masters and your crossed over loved ones. It truly is a team effort.

Melissa L Watkins is the Founder of Guidance311, an Evidential Medium and a Spiritual Life Coach, and with Integrated Energy Therapy® as a Master-Instructor Teacher. She "focus(es) on optimizing your 12 Strand DNA, which can further enhance your wellness at all levels and increases spiritual synchronicities that open the doorways to your destiny." Sign up here to follow her blog and to work with her one-on-one.

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