Everyone thinks you are the nice one, the quiet one, and the one who will take care of it; whatever it is. You go the majority of your young life taking care of others. You allow the people around you not notice you. You don’t ask to anything. You don’t make any noise. You give of yourself, your talents, and your resources over and above. You may ‘wake’ up soon after adulthood hits, and for some it may take you the majority of your early life to realize your trauma response(s) type.
Not to say that it is not ok to be nice. But healthy nice has its limits. And you have not had limits and have spent your time focusing on others’ needs, wants and problems to the detriment of your own situation. In extreme cases, losing your home, finances, car, relationships and most especially the relationship with your kid(s). I fall into all of those categories…you are not alone.
These are trauma responses because the treatment you have received from others was abusive or neglectful in some way over a period of time. For most of us, it was in our early life: parents, care givers, institution, or family/friend relationships. We were treated so poorly that we felt the need to be as beneficial as possible in every situation as to not be hurt: physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, or financially, affecting our safety and stability.
There are degrees of just how people pleasing one can be. The mild, always available to the enth degree all the way to the “fixer,” someone who is always feeling it is their place to “fix” things for everyone around them even without being asked to do anything. Someone who is using everyone and everything else around them to distract themselves from their own disfunction, trauma or lack of in their own experience. Striving and driving to be seen and heard or beneficial to fill the void that the trauma has created and the fear of any perceived negative response they feel they will incur by not being this way.
In both cases you are putting your own needs to the background or shutting them down completely. Either case is NOT ok. We are all here to have a life filled with joy and love. We cannot manifest what we are here to have if we keep negating our own emotional, physical, mental and energetic needs. By not allowing in the high vibrations of love, joy, contentment, fulfillment or ease we are inviting in disfunction, discord and strife on all levels. (The energy you are emitting is what you are getting in return.) These negative patterns have to be broken to be able to create the happiness, grace and ease that every person is here to have. This will be uncomfortable. When you begin to break the habits that have been your perception of safety for most of your life, making the change will feel scary and wrong in most cases. Make the changes. Start small. And, be prepared as the people who have been taking advantage of your trauma response will be upset and even angry as you start to take YOU back! Those are not you people. Those who embrace your changes are respectful to you and love you and those are your people.
Setting boundaries with those who expect your compliance, time and energy every time they want it will be paramount to your healing. Saying, “no” as a complete sentence.
Self-love through putting your needs first. Think of it as putting your own oxygen mask on before you can help anyone else.
Selfishness...taking the time to put you first. This is healthy for someone who has no concept of allowing their needs to even be ON the list.
Goals: setting goals and putting time and effort into achieving them.
Being present. Taking the time to focus on what is in front of you and not trying to multi-task as natural course of events.
Surrender to “how and when” something is going to happen. Stop needing to “will” anything into existence: time, money, resources or the next “thing.”
Have faith that everything is always working out for you. Letting go of control to a higher power.
You have been programmed by trauma to have to be beneficial to be safe and stable. This is where you need to retrain yourself. You are safe. You are stable. You are loved. It is time to embrace this and by respecting yourself and loving yourself, you heal. You eliminate people and situations that are not serving you or in balance, giving as much as they are taking. And draw to you new relationships that will be of balance, respect and love. This is the Universal Law of Attraction. It is time to manifest your best life. Blessings, M xo
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